Our Angel Sam

On September 17, 2013, our miracle heart boy went home, to his Father in Heaven. 

I have put off posting this for a long time, and I don't know why but today I guess I'll finally write put it  down here. 

We returned home from the hospital Monday 16th evening, we were exhausted. As previously posted we had placed a NG feeding tube and were trying our best to get his weight up. Andrew and I both felt as we left the hospital that we weren't going to get to our goal of 4 months old. At the hospital they thickened his milk so he would stop aspirating while he ate and then, had him tube fed when he was to tired to finish his bottle. The thickened feeds were working, aspirating had stopped however, they made him quite constipated. Finally when he could he worked so hard to go to the bathroom. We could tell he wasn't feeling well, since the best baby went to constant fussiness really fast. 

*We were blessed that weekend in the hospital to hold him so much(since that made him happier)*

Monday night was exhausting. Sam fussed most of the night, the only sleep we got was when he was in our arms. 

*Another tender mercy*

The next morning we dropped off Jack at school and headed to the pediactrican since that's protocol after visiting the hospital and we were ready to discuss his constipation and fussiness. 

*Tender mercy: Andrew stayed home from work that day--just because he wanted to*

We have the greatest pediatrician, he gave us a bunch of helpful tips. He checked Sam, a healthy growing boy and we left with a hopefully feeling--we had a plan. 

I was supposed to go shopping on my own, Andrew said go later, let's grocery shop and then get Jack. 

*Tender mercy*

We went to Walmart, got our stuff. Sam fussed so Andrew held him the whole time. 

*Tender mercy*

We drove home, picked up Jack and neighbor Chloe from school. Got home, brought everything in. I brought Sam in his carseat in and set him down to get the groceries. It was feeding time and Andrew said he would get his bottle ready. I went to get Sam to wake him up. I picked up my limp son, laid him on the floor and realized something was wrong. Andrew heard my concerned voice and came in, his first words were, "He's not breathing". 

I immediately started CPR. 

*Tender mercy: one of my best friends pushed me to become CPR certified before I had Sam, I felt so confident doing CPR, a strange confidence*

Andrew called 911, and then ran for our next door neighbor, a firefighter. 

*Tender mercy*

His wife came in and got Jack and Emma, Jack watched this entire things take place, and ran to hide. I hadn't stopped CPR but I remember hearing her calling for Jack. 

Her husband, who was down the street, got there he didn't take over for me for a few minutes. The ambulance came our neighbor picked Sam up and ran to meet it. We were there long enough to say wave goodbye to Jack and Emma, for the cop to tell us what hospital and then we left. 

*Tender mercy: Our neighbors*

As we followed the ambulance (they only let one go in the front seat so we decided to drive together, our neighbor was still with Sam) we called our closest friends and family asking for prayers. 

We sprinted into the ER, they put us in a consultation room, where we waited a few minutes.  A doctor came to talk to us. Told us how critical the situation was and they hadn't get gotten him to breathe on his own, he said they were still doing CPR and would keep trying. I asked him how long they would do that, he paused and told me it was up to us. Our neighbor came back with us, he didn't say much. A social worker was there with us. The doctor came back, said they were beating his heart for him and took us to the room. We sat at the end of the table, nearly 10 people surrounded him doing CPR, etc. A doctor said they would try one more thing, an ultrasound to see if there was fluid around his heart. There wasn't. A lot of the workers were crying too, the head doctor came to us and could barely speak the words that there wasn't anything else they could do for him. But that they would keep going as long as we wanted. We told them they could stop. They took most things off him and let us hold him, they also cleared the room quickly. A few minutes later my dad was there. 

*Tender mercy: My dad, he took over the mortuary, funeral questions the hospital asks so we could go home and be with Jack and Emma*

We held him for a while, we went back to the consultation room where we both received priesthood blessings. Our closest friends were there. Andrew kept saying he felt strongly we need to get back to Jack and Emma. Just about an hour after getting there, we left. 

We both felt peaceful. We were still incredibly emotional, but at peace knowing this was Sam's purpose. As we drove home, I felt the distinct feeling of Sam's happiness. 

I still know he is happy. I know he is involved in our lives. He helps us often. We have had many experiences with him since he has died. 

(Photos by Kara Fugal)

We held a graveside service on Friday September 20, 2013

He is buried the Highland City Cemetery. 

Letting balloons go. 

I like to call these women "My army". They sang "How Great Thou Art"

A favorite verse, since I live by the daily tender mercy of the Lord. 

This has been a the hardest thing we have ever done, but we are grateful for the gospel. I know it's true. I know we have a Father in Heaven that loves us and is aware of every detail of our lives. I know that true the priesthood and temple sealing, Families are Forever. 

I know I can be with Sam one day. I will raise him. He is my son and I am his mother forever. 

The only way this is possible is through the atonement of Jesus Christ, for which  I will ever be grateful for. I've never felt so much misery, yet so much joy, peace, and comfort. We have been lifted as a family by our Heavenly Father. 

Thank you to all our family and friends who have prayed, or served us in some way. Thank you. Thank you. We are so grateful and have felt all the prayers in our behalf. 

Enjoy.